Fibromyalgia · Health

How to Push Past Pain to Produce Passion

produce passion
photo credit: Sasint @ Pixabay Modified by Mandy Farmer

Fibro Pain vs. Passion

As if the pain of fibromyalgia isn’t enough, the effect of said pain can wreak havoc on our personal lives. You see, it’s not just pain like a headache or even a broken bone. This pain is constant with no hope of ending. And to make matters worse the pain does not walk alone. It has “friends” that tag along as well. Fatigue, brain fog, muscle pain and soreness, weight gain, and depression are just a few of the “friends” of fibromyalgia pain.

But today I want to go where few dare to go and that is, the lack of libido leading to a strained relationship with your spouse. This is not just a problem for you the fibro warrior but probably, even more, an issue for your spouse. Now before you stop reading because you don’t have fibromyalgia, I would encourage you to keep reading because what I am about to tell you applies to everyone – pain or no pain. You may not want to admit it, but you may need some help in the area of passion for your own marriage.

You see, God ordained intimacy.

He created man and woman for each other and He inspired King Solomon to write a book about it. You will find his steamy love story in the Songs of Solomon. He starts right out with 

Kiss me and kiss me again,
    for your love is sweeter than wine.
How pleasing is your fragrance;
    your name is like the spreading fragrance of scented oils.

Song of Songs 1:2-3

Marriage is never a 50-50 relationship.

And even if it were, the spouse has now found himself in a relationship where they are doing most, if not all, of the giving. However, he/she still has needs. And these needs are going unmet for the most part. He/she still wants to be touched whether or not you want to be touched.

I attended a pain management seminar with my husband. And sadly, the advice to spouses was “suck it up”, this is not about you. I tend to disagree here. I submit that as a fibro warrior, I should get creative and find ways to pleasure my spouse. 

It’s understandable that you have no interest in sexual relations due to any or all of the reasons mentioned above. You may even be in so much constant pain that you can’t fathom allowing him/her to touch you. I was that way for several months. During this time, I would agree that the spouse should be understanding. However, you may not be able to be touched, but if you put yourself in control of the touch, why couldn’t you touch and pleasure him/her?

But once you learn some pain management and get the pain under some semblance of control, it’s time to find ways to even out the game field. 

Why Bring Passion Back Into Your Marriage?

  1. Strengthens your relationship. The sexual relationship makes a connection that nothing else can. It is the ultimate way of showing your love where words may not be enough.
  2. Strengthens Your Body. Sexual Intercourse takes movement, And that movement is exercise. It even raises your heart rate giving you a bit of aerobics.
  3. Actually Eases Pain – Making love produces endorphins (natural painkillers) which gives you an emotional high and reduces pain. Also, your body releases oxytocins at orgasm that can completely alleviate pain. My college P.E. professor told us that having a headache is not an excuse to Not to have sex but more a reason TO have sex. 
  4. Improves Sleep Having an orgasm also releases a hormone prolactin which makes you feel relaxed and sleepy. As women, intercourse increases our estrogen levels which enhances our REM stage, giving us a much deeper sleep.
  5. Reduces Stress – Studies show that oxytocin released during intercourse can lower stress-related blood pressure and lower levels of cortisol, the hormone that signals high-stress levels. 

Pushing Past Pain? Seriously?

I know about the pain. When I was first attacked by this excruciating pain it was beyond measure. Any movement at all had me writhing in contracting pains across my lower back. Even the idea of making love was impossible to consider. But there came a time after pain management was helping, that I wanted to be able to please my husband. He was compassionately caring for my every need and I wanted to return that love. I was willing to “put up with” some pain in order to do that.

And along the way, I learned that there are a few things I can do to push through the pain.

A – Acceptance

Coming to terms with our disease is the first step toward managing pain in all circumstances. Once we accept the idea that life will never be quite the same, but we can find a new and satisfying life. Just as one would do when fighting addiction, the first step is that we must admit and accept the problem.

However, do not claim the pain, just accept it. Don’t say “my pain”, say “the pain”.

B – Brain Training

Science has proven that we can retrain our brain to an extent. We can get our mind to skip over those receptors and find a new path for sending pain signals. By thinking about good things, we can trick our minds to forget the pain. Remember that Lamaze training you had for delivering babies. We were taught to make our mind go to a good place, such as the beach. Instead of thinking, “Oh, this is going to hurt…” flip the switch and think about that happy place. Think about how much you love your spouse and want to show him your love. 

I wrote about an experiment done with video games and certain surgeries. The patient had no anesthesia and yet felt no pain during the surgery. click here.

C – Communicate

There is probably no more important tactic than simply talking to your spouse. Let him/her know when it feels good and when it hurts. We have these tender spots that do tend to hurt when touched, but I have found that just an inch or so over, the pain is less or non-existent. Your spouse cannot know this unless you tell him/her. Give up your inhibitions and start talking during your love-making.

D – Different Times, Places, & Positions

Do It Different
Photo credit: Five Minute Friday

Mix it up and try something new. Experiment with times of the day and find when you might be having less pain. Pick up a book and learn about different positions that may be easier for you. I think you will find you may have been missing out on some pleasurable times even before fibro pain arrived. Check out the books I’ve listed below on creating atmosphere.

E – Essential Oils & Massage

There is nothing like a great massage by your partner. This can be a wonderful time of pleasure and passion. It causes us to slow down and just enjoy one another. Your passion can be heightened by not only touch but smells as well. Certain smells are an aphrodisiac just smelling them can turn you on. Combining the two together might just take you places you have never been. There are lots of oils on the market for just such a thing. Some are found at any pharmacy, but there are also organic oils available, such as Legatto For Women and Ahncore for men at Resonant Botanicals. Click here for my review.

And More

There’s more to be said, but this is certainly enough to give you a place to start. Love making need not go away, it just needs to be arrived at from a different direction.

 

Here’s the Challenge

Get Creative and find ways to pleasure your spouse. Find ways to be able to say to your spouse as King Solomon did in the Bible…

My lover said to me, “Rise up, my darling! Come away with me, my fair one!

May I suggest some reading? {may include affiliate links}

A 14-Day Romance Challenge  Reigniting Passion in Your Marriage – Simple Things to do each day to get the fires burning. Click to read my book review.

Sex Begins in the Kitchen by Kevin Lehman shows couples everywhere how to bring more passion into their marriages. Best-selling author Dr. Kevin Leman explains how sexual intimacy is an expression of the care a couple shows each other in all areas of life–in communicating, sharing thoughts and feelings, and even in helping out around the house.

Songs in the Key of Solomon  in the Word and .. in the Mood by John and Anita Renfroe – You might ask, “a Bible Study?” And I would answer, “Yes!” 20 studies from Song of Solomon which lead you into The Scriptures and right into romance! Each lesson gives you ideas to create an atmosphere of passion. You will love it! Available in hardback and Kindle

Feeling Your Pain;

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

___________

Resources

The National Sleep Foundation Is Sex Helping or Hurting Your Sleep?

Greatist How Does Sex Reduce Stress? by Laura Schwecherl

Being Fibro Mom Sex: The Painful Truth; Turning Pain into Pleasure by Brandi Clevinger

The Mighty  When Fibromyalgia Affects Your Sex life by Julie Ryan

Song of Solomon, the Holy Bible  WWW.BIBLEGATEWAY.COM

14 thoughts on “How to Push Past Pain to Produce Passion

  1. when we hurt with emotional or physical, it is very easy to fall into a ‘me-centered’ mindset. but just like with all other areas of life, there is so much good that comes from moving our thoughts off ourselves and onto others. thanks for your post

    1. Hi Karen! Yes, It’s true, we live in a me kinda world and many of us have pain we are working through. Sometimes we need to focus on others rather than our own pain.

      Thanks for dropping by.

    1. Thanks. It took me a bit to get up the guts to do it. Especially since I only occasionally write on fibromyalgia. Most of my posts are spiritual in nature.

    1. Thank you i have been getting up my guts to do this for about two months. This week i will be posting a review on some oils i agreed to write a post for. It just didn’t work on its own so decided to write a pre-post. The chronic illness group says it is a much needed area to write on. So he we are. Thanks for reading and the encouragement.

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